i'll just type out things without even trying to sound the least bit understandable because typing soothes me and makes me feel as though i'm doing something worthwhile and afterwards i will be able to look at it and go "at least i tried to piece my thoughts out on something so they're not crammed in my brain constantly reusing an old thought after the current one is no longer in use" instead of hating myself as i do all the time for not doing anything about how i fell ever. maybe it's the feeling of getting my computer back and things being set back to their routine and yet not being right i don't know i don't know i'm completely fed up with doing nothing i literally have done nothing but sleep the past month and occasionally do minor things but as i think over it that has been my life ever since it all started and here i am again as i always am, on the computer with my thoughts threatening to send me literally into a state of confusion and panic as it always does while later i pretend like nothing has happened and as if i'm good as new and it all weighs down my family the other things not this the other things i can't even place them right now and yet i like watching the characters form on the screen in front of me making me feel as though i'm not completely alone that they're there with me and then i remind myself it's just pixels and one thing that bugs me the most about emotional breakdowns is the calm after them as though things will change now that i've noticed all i want to and yet they go back to how they were before and it repeats itself is this how it is for everyone? even if the repetitions of episodes in their lives are farther apart and i'm confusing myself with the sentences i'm forming because they're the same sentence with different words and now i'm really confused so i'm going to hit publish and bury this away in my mind as i always do good day

the sticker's on my laptop >:)

I went to Children's Hospital yesterday for my biweekly check up BEST BLOG POST EVER SO FAR. so my mother and I are sitting in the xray waiting room (for you see I was going to get a chest xray) when the two hospital clowns come waltzing in. normally I ignore them because I'm just that cool, but there was an adorable four year old boy with the more adorable ginger hair and the most adorable cheeks that giggled so hard at the clowns' antics and watching him was the most adorable experience ever (experiences can be adorable, to be sure).

after the clowns left, my mom started talking to the adorable ginger-haired boy's mom, as moms do, and it turns out the adorable ginger-haired boy's name is Kaleb. KALEB. I knew a Kaleb when I was eight and he was freaking adorable. anyway........ I went to get my xray and Kaleb was getting an xray in the room next door. I walked out and he was picking out stickers from a basket SO ADORABLE. he decided upon a superhero maybe? sticker and a Bolt The Talking Dog Sticker. he went on to show them to us, and then randomly peeled off the Bolt sticker and gave it to me. that made me so happy I'm not even kidding. hospital visits are usually pretty not-great or just uneventful and yeeeeeah it made me happy.

right but then I went to the Jimmy Fund (which is where I have some pretty (cool) doctors/people) and he's waiting in the waiting room with his mom. it turns out he's pretty close to getting over his leukemia and it makes me happy that he was so healthy looking. not happy that he's gone through it, god no, but I dunno, it's just uplifting when young children are so happy even after going through all this.

the whole experience (well I mean YEAH different story but the cancer/seeing people go through cancer thing) has made me figure out what I might maybe want to possibly though I'm quite unsure about it do in the future if I get there. OK. going to sleep now, lol.