i'll just type out things without even trying to sound the least bit understandable because typing soothes me and makes me feel as though i'm doing something worthwhile and afterwards i will be able to look at it and go "at least i tried to piece my thoughts out on something so they're not crammed in my brain constantly reusing an old thought after the current one is no longer in use" instead of hating myself as i do all the time for not doing anything about how i fell ever. maybe it's the feeling of getting my computer back and things being set back to their routine and yet not being right i don't know i don't know i'm completely fed up with doing nothing i literally have done nothing but sleep the past month and occasionally do minor things but as i think over it that has been my life ever since it all started and here i am again as i always am, on the computer with my thoughts threatening to send me literally into a state of confusion and panic as it always does while later i pretend like nothing has happened and as if i'm good as new and it all weighs down my family the other things not this the other things i can't even place them right now and yet i like watching the characters form on the screen in front of me making me feel as though i'm not completely alone that they're there with me and then i remind myself it's just pixels and one thing that bugs me the most about emotional breakdowns is the calm after them as though things will change now that i've noticed all i want to and yet they go back to how they were before and it repeats itself is this how it is for everyone? even if the repetitions of episodes in their lives are farther apart and i'm confusing myself with the sentences i'm forming because they're the same sentence with different words and now i'm really confused so i'm going to hit publish and bury this away in my mind as i always do good day